• Agile Coach

Psychological Language Safety: 9 tips to stay constructive (1/3)

Psychological Language Safety helps you stay out of trouble. Because safe language habits are safe not only for you, but for everyone on the team. And the big win? The safer it is, the more risk you can take. Think of it as skydiving: the better your instructor, safer the equipment, better the training … the more dangerous the jump you can make. Are you jumping with me?

• 3 x Practical tips for more nuance in language
• 3 x Psychologically safe handling of language and emotions
• 3 x Clear language habits about needs

Psychological Language Safety, how do you translate that into psychologically safe language habits? Because those language habits are essential, especially now that virtually all of our conversations take place online. Those online conversations are even more delicate because much of your body language ends up off-screen. So we quickly tend to take words rather literally. To avoid arguments, pain and misunderstandings, it helps to replace risky language with psychologically safe language. In this series of blogs, I like to share with you a list of constructive language habits. A guide to our shared psychological language safety.

I base the language habits I name in this article on my personal experience and the work of Marshall Rosenberg. I recently re-read Nonviolent Communication in search of practical tips for conflict resolution. And do you know? The content of the book is still very relevant today. Rosenberg’s ideas are relevant in our current society, where political polarization leads to suffering. What Rosenberg calls “violent language” drives people apart. It polarizes them into their separate camps.

Rosenberg’s ideas are also very relevant in self-directed teams because those teams cannot simply rely on a boss to resolve conflicts. Different perspectives enrich the team, but only if the team can resolve them in a non-polarizing way. You don’t need complicated conflict resolution techniques for that. Psychologically safe language habits will help you go a long way!

Psychological Language Safety

Many phrases we use in everyday life are habits. We don’t think much about them and apply them automatically. An example. After a frustrating exchange, you sigh, “Again! Really typical of her.” With that statement, you stereotype the real person. By doing so, you make it very difficult to find another solution. After all, that person is in the “nothing to do.” box. These seemingly innocent sentences program yourself and those around you for unnecessary conflict.

My 9 psychologically safe language habits

Once you are aware of the destructive language patterns, you can start replacing them with better patterns. I always encourage teams to help each other develop better language patterns. Since many of our language habits consist of “automatic sentences,” it’s great when someone notifies you when you derail. Below is the list of safe rules I try to adhere to. I’ve divided them for you into the groups of nuance, feeling and needs.

Three practical tips for more nuance in language

Nuance is the source of possibilities. In nuance, you find each other faster. These three tips will help you put more nuance into your language.

1. Add nuance to absolutisms.
   Absolutisms like “always,” “never,” “all,” and “none” close the door to nuance. That’s a problem, because nuance is usually where the most creative solutions can be found. I force myself to add “almost” to (almost) all absolutisms. So never say, “never,” but say, “almost never,” or “rarely.”
   
2. Avoid generalizations.
   Phrases like, “Men are just like that” and “Immigrants will destroy our culture” will only drive people against you. Generalization is a specific case of absolutism. Proverbs are also a kind of generalization. They can drive people apart. For example, imagine that a younger person has a conflict with an older person. You try to comfort the younger person with a generalization like, “Oh, old goats have stiff horns.” By doing so, you don’t resolve the conflict; you only reduce the chances of a constructive dialogue between the two. So rather, look for what makes “the older person” seem somewhat rigid and how you can help him or her.
   
3. Add uncertainty to predictions.
   Forming a picture of the future is essential in developing strategy and tactics. So there is nothing in itself wrong with predictions. The trouble starts when you make predictions too firmly. Then they turn into self-fulfilling prophecies. Especially negative predictions tend to do that. I force myself to add “probably” to predictions. Even when I’m pretty sure of the case. The sentence, “I can’t do this.” I also replace with: “I can’t do it yet.” After all, it’s good practice to make it clear that predictions are opinions. So instead of saying, “She’ll never be on time,” say, “I expect she won’t make it.” It is even better if you add a probability: “I think there is a 90% chance she will be late.”

Follow through with the 3 tips on how to handle language and emotions psychologically safely?

Tip of the hat: humor, judgment and the verb “feel. Curious? I’m happy to share it all with you in this subsequent blog on Psychological Language Safety.

Curious about many more insights, tips and theories on Psychological Safety? Follow Scrum Academy’s online channels in the April theme month: building trust.