• Agile Coach

Psychological Language Safety: 9 tips to stay constructive (3/3)

Do you still sometimes unintentionally end up in conflict during delicate conversations? These psychologically safe language habits will help you stay out of trouble. In the first blog of this series, we discussed tips related to nuance. In blog two, we talked about language and emotions. In this third blog, I share my psychologically safe language habits about needs. Because the safer it is, the more risk you can take. Think of it as skydiving: the better your instructor, safer the equipment, better the training … the more dangerous the jump you can make. Ready for the jump?

• 3 x Practical tips for more nuance in language
• 3 x Psychologically safe handling of language and emotions
• 3 x Clear language habits about needs
  

Psychologically safe language habits about needs

Almost everything people do is well-intentioned. But there is also a need behind it. Being mutually clear about what your needs are helps you work together more effectively.

1. Turn why questions into need questions.
Why questions can come across as judgmental. Instead of asking, “Why are you late (again)?” ask, “What was more important to you this morning than being on time?” or “What would help you be on time more often?”

2. Don’t judge people, but judge actions.
Turn personal judgments into factual observations. Don’t say, “He’s slow,” but say, “He didn’t start the job until I reminded him twice.” You may find the latter quite annoying. Perhaps you feel a need for people to automatically keep appointments.

3. Turn demands into sincere requests.
A demand involves using some form of power to get your way. Using power can lead to rebellion, overt or covert. Fulfilling a request, on the other hand, leads to a better relationship. Most people find complying with requests no problem. The difference between demands and requests is tricky. A sentence that begins as a request can later turn into a demand. That happens when you attach consequences for not complying with the request. Even a sigh or an annoyed look can have those consequences. What you do is add emotional pressure. For example, “Will you please clean up your room sometime? <sighing, and rolling your eyes to show disapproval>” What is happening here is that you are using body language to turn a request into a demand. If this teenager does not clean her room, she cannot expect parental affection. In a genuine request, you make it clear why something is important to you – what your need is – and give the other person space to suggest an alternative.

Psychologically safe language for everyone’s safety

These 9 language habits I share with you are safe because they help avoid needless conflict. But they do more. They are also safe because they create a psychologically safe environment for the people you interact with. And exactly this safe environment ensures that people will be more open and creative around you. Who wouldn’t want that?

Curious about many more insights, tips and theories on Psychological Safety? Follow Scrum Academy’s online channels in the April theme month: building trust.